My Story


One thing I've heard over the years is people stating that they are "too far gone", "too old" or there's just "too much trauma" to heal from. 

I know this firsthand, because I was one of them. 

I started counseling at 17. Began taking my 1st antidepressant at 17. And for almost the next 30 years, I changed medication more times than I could count, saw therapists, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, Christian based counselors and so on.

Then at age 45, I woke up from a nightmare (of which I still remember in vivid detail) one winter night and was screaming "HELP" at the top of my lungs.

At that point and time in my life, I was in a toxic relationship, on disability, had no friends of my own, was still drinking, gambling, cutting, smoking, using pot, felt worthless, useless, had cut most of my family out of my life and was contemplating a 5th suicide attempt.

Life as I knew it felt hopeless.

Shortly after that night, I began talking to an anxiety coach I had found on Instagram (BeatAnxiety.Me) and started coaching with him about a month later.

I told my now ex that if this didn't work, I was done - sick of trying to establish trust, rehash my past over and over again, being treated like a Guinea pig for meds and having no proven results. This was my last ditch attempt, my final stop and if coaching didn't work, I was just flippin DONE!!

It's now almost 3 years later and I affectionately refer to my coach as "The sign from God I finally didn't ignore."

Since I began working with Ryan, I have done the following:
  • Got out of a 5 year toxic relationship
  • Bought my own transportation
  • Moved 1000 miles away, out of state, on my own
  • Was saved
  • Joined a church
  • Was baptized by my anxiety coach
  • Began serving at church
  • Joined an Anxiety Support Group
  • Became a Mental Health Advocate on Instagram, Twitter and Tik Tok
  • Started to write again and publish articles (many in regards to BPD)
  • Became a published Christian poet on Christart.com
  • Began publishing Mental Health Poetry on The Mighty
  • Started painting as art therapy, which turned into me opening first an Etsy shop and then doing Vendor Events on my own
  • Was hired as an independent contractor part time to write
  • Am now going to apply to become a Certified Peer Support Specialist
To put the above in context, below is a list of what I had been running from, hiding from and coping in unhealthy ways for my entire life:
  • Childhood Emotional Neglect, Abandonment, Verbal, Physical and Sexual Abuse
  • Bullying
  • Gaslighting
  • Narcissistic Parents
  • Child of Divorce
  • Blended Family
  • Repressed Memories
  • Raped 4 separate times as an adult
  • 4 separate suicide attempts as an adult
  • Cutting (began as a teenager)
  • Alcoholism - began at 17 (Everyday and Binge Drinker)
  • Gambling Addiction
  • Began smoking at 17
  • Pot smoking
  • Overspending
  • Prescription Drug Abuse
  • Dissociating since childhood
  • Intrusive Thoughts (sexual & violent in nature)
  • Constant moving (26 times)
  • Couldn't hold down a job for more than 3 years
  • Homelessness (more than once)
  • 90 day stint in a Safe House for Domestic and Sexually Abused women and children
  • Repeated Toxic/Controlling/Passive Aggressive Relationships
  • Bankruptcy
  • DUI Arrest
  • Adult physical, verbal, sexual and mental abuse
  • Involved & Abused in the Swinging Lifestyle
  • Diagnosed with: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Anxiety, Panic, Chronic Pain, Fibro, IBS, RLS, TN and the physical list goes on and on.
Little did I understand throughout all of this that my true struggles didn't lie within the realm of the physical/sexual abuse and rapes, but were rooted in the likes of guilt, grief, loneliness and toxic shame. 

Once I began to separate myself from the "labels", I could finally see that I was NOT CPTSD, I was NOT depression, I was NOT a "Borderline", I was NOT "broken", but was in fact traumatized, wounded and one thing I never in a million years pegged myself to be able to do when attached to all those labels:

Realize that I could actually HEAL!

Cause here's the thing - Trauma is Trauma. I don't care how little, how much, when it happened or any other factors we as a society use to gauge the severity, the plain and simple fact remains:

Trauma is Trauma

And no matter how long ago it happened, no matter your race, gender, religion, political affiliation, height, weight, social or economic status, trauma CAN BE HEALED!!

Throughout this blog I will be sharing my own recommendations, tools, resources and above all else, my own story and healing journey with you. Vulnerability is power and by becoming open with my own struggles, I'm hoping it will help others see that we are not broken or alone and that together we can learn to Silence our Shame and finally heal.

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra

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