Are You Living in a "Victim Mentality"?

 By: Debra Brent

Daughtry - Rescue Me

I have to admit, one of the hardest things I've found about healing has been looking in the mirror and admitting to myself the "truths" I'd been hiding from, avoiding and ashamed of for so long.

And one of them was fessing up to having lived the majority of life within a "victim mentality".

So, what exactly does that mean?

According to https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/move-away-from-the-victim-mentality.html,

"People who have a victim mentality believe that life happens to them rather than for them. As a result, they are quick to feel victimized when something doesn’t go as planned.

Victim mentality is an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others.

At its core, a victim mentality is a form of avoidance. It’s a way of saying, “I refuse to take any responsibility for myself or my life.”

Victim mentality has also been referred to as "learned helplessness".

Healing Hurts

I used to blame everything and everyone else for the way my life was. I drank because so and so hurt me. I did "nothing wrong" at work, but yet was fired. I blamed friends, family and even God for my circumstances. I believed deep in my heart that I deserved the life I had because I was being punished for my sins.

I looked to everyone else for validation of my "woe is me" attitude, when what I really needed to do was take a long, hard look at:

Myself

Now, I'm not discounting the trauma that did occur. But the actions which followed and the unhealthy ways in which I chose to cope were all ME! And because of that choice to continue coping instead of healing, I began to add trauma on top of trauma into my life. We have to remember hurting people hurt people and that includes the hurt we impose (intentionally or unintentionally) onto our own self.

I did this because I was angry! And I chose to live in that anger and pass it onto others. I didn't want to admit to anyone else, let alone myself, that many of the problems in my life were actually caused by nobody else but me.

I didn't want to take responsibility for my actions, but shove that responsibility onto others. Then, on top of that, I wanted someone else to rescue me from it all.

Little did I realize at the time, that the only person who could rescue me was myself.

Mirror Work

Looking in the mirror is definately not an easy thing to do. Admitting the hurt I caused others hurt me all over again. Admitting the fact that I wanted others to feel my own pain, again, hurt me in return.

While looking back, I saw for the first time all of those years I wasted stuck in denial, blame, self pity, unforgiveness and that is what probably hurt the most.

The thing is, until we begin to change our perspective, our lives will remain the same and most likely only get worse.

While working with BeatAnxiety.Me, one of the greatest tools he gave me was this:

"Why? Steals; What? Heals"

When we live our lives in a victim mentality, we are looking at life in the context of things/events happening TO us, instead of those things/events happening FOR us.

I used to always ask, "Why is this happening to me?", but now rephrase that instead to, "What is this teaching me?"

There is a lesson to be learned in everything, if we will just take the time to slow down, introspect and truly listen.

If You Want Change…

Taking responsibility for ourselves and our actions can oftnetimes be extremely difficult and painful.

Yet what it boils down to is one of my favorite phrases reiterated often by my Emotional Coach:

"If you want change, you gotta be the change"

Looking to the external for love or for that one person/thing to "rescue you" is only going to keep you stuck in the same rabbit hole of hurt and pain you so wish to crawl out of. I went through most of my adult life jumping from one toxic relationship to another looking for my "knight in shining armor".

But in order to heal, we need to dig into the underlying cause(s) of our actions/behaviors and take that responsibility to work through and change them. That means learning the art of such things as acceptance, forgiveness and self-love.

• Nobody else can make you happy and fulfilled in life, but you.
• Nobody else can do the hard work it takes to heal, but you.
• Nobody else can turn those pains into purpose, but you.

Now, that doesn't mean doing it alone. We DO need to seek not understanding, but support from friends, family, community and/or even a professional. Yet what it also means is that remaining stuck in a "victim mentality" is a choice, just as is taking responsibility and choosing to finally heal.

Because the bottom line is, there's nobody on earth who can rescue & ultimately heal your wounded heart, but that beautiful, amazing and oh so worthy reflection starting back at you in the mirror💗

#WeCanHeal

#TheChoiceIsYours

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra