BPD & the 2 Year Old in Me

By: Debra Brent

The days before Christmas are so hard for me. I get over the top excited! Bursting with anticipation of watching those close to me open each gift I put my heart and soul into buying or creating specifically for them. 

On a sunny spring day, I see a trampoline and want to do back flips til the sun goes down. Or what gets me every time is a swing - the need to hop on and ride it so high I can bounce between the billowy clouds or tiptoe among each twinkling star.

I want to giggle til my sides split open and run haphazardly through a field of blossoming sunflowers on a lazy summer afternoon.

Or at dusk, hope to snuggle on the couch with someone's arms wrapping me in a warm, soft, blanket fort of comfort and peace.

I also can't help but wanting to know the "whys" of every single solitary thing, lol.

And all of this while patiently dreaming of my knight in shining armor to come whisk me away; to save me from the evil that lurks just outside the door, inside my head or in each salivating monster awaiting nightfall underneath the bed.

Yet what I desperately desire most of all is for that little girl to finally feel safe, wanted, deserving and truly know what it means to be loved.

That little girl I speak of is me.

And I'm 48 years old.

Emotionally Stunted

I repressed much of my childhood and teen years. To say the least, I know there was verbal, physical and sexual abuse. I struggled early on with escaping - into books and a world of fairytales and make believe. It was my place at the time where I found comfort, safety and the only hope I knew back then.

Growing older, I replaced make believe with box cutters and cutting, then alcohol and smoking. Soon followed promiscuity, gambling, overspending, then pot and more trauma.

Failed relationships ensued, along with trying to outrun those demons by constantly hiding and moving - a total of 26 times to be exact. Job after job, repeated homelessness, an arrest and physical pain which mounted prescription on top of prescription.

In and out of therapist, counselor, psychologist and psychiatrist offices, intermingled between specialist after specialist and more diagnoses than I can count.

The culmination included CPTSD, BPD, MDD, Anxiety. Panic, chronic pain, Fibro, IBS, RLS, four rapes, four suicide attempts, enabling, gaslighting, being drugged, police reports, ER reports and again repeated emotional, physical, verbal and sexual abuse.

And all I kept asking myself was, "Why?"

Little did I know until age 38 that I struggled with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Little did I realize until I was 47, the true reasons underlying those decades of  unhealthy coping:

Fear of Abandonment, Neglect, & Toxic Shame

I never understood I wasn't "crazy", but instead was doing whatever I could to avoid the pain my inner child kept screaming, pleading and begging for me to make stop!!

But seeing as how I was emotionally stunted at an early age when the trauma began (which is prevalent of a BPD diagnosis), I had no idea how to make that little girl inside feel wanted or loved. All I knew was how to escape, survive and make her feel numb to it all.

Trauma is Trauma

No matter what you have been through, trauma is trauma….period!! I've been told others have it worse, which in turn makes me feel ashamed for reaching out at all. This only fuels the toxic shame and self-limiting beliefs I hold to this day, feeling as though I am a horrible, messed up human being who deserves absolutely nothing good in her life...AT ALL! This exacerbates those already ingrained thoughts of hating myself for making the mistake of speaking up, which in turn sends me spiraling down a path of self-punishment and destructive behavior.

Cause the thing is, my trauma is no greater than or less than yours. Trauma is trauma and unless we feel safe enough to speak up and get help, trauma then begets trauma and things will only get worse.

To those, like myself, who struggle with BPD, what we seek more than anything is of that which a toddler yearns for and craves: love, acceptance and safety.

As we grow into adults, those needs will not change if the original trauma isn't brought to light, worked through and healed. Cause as my anxiety coach (beatanxiety.me) always says, "We can't heal what we refuse to reveal."

The quote below sums up the difference of an adult and a child. Those living with BPD are often labeled as "emotionally dysregulated" and you'll notice the description of the Child below could also be the definition of those diagnosed with BPD:

"The Adult is the logical, thinking part of us. The feelings of the Adult come from thought, as opposed to the Child, whose thoughts come from its feelings. The Adult is concerned with doing, rather than being, with acting, rather than experiencing."

~Healing Your Aloneness;Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul

BPD, You and Me

What needs to be addressed with any type of trauma are the underlying causes of it/them. The actions/reactions of those struggling with BPD are tied directly to being abandoned, neglected, traumatized and emotionally stunted as a child.

When you see those with BPD exhibit a "tantrum", become clingy, over the top fearful, so-called manipulative, act out in rage or sink into severe depression/isolation, compare those actions to ways in which a small child would respond in the same situation.

Eye opening isn't it?

These are not character flaws - they are trauma responses. That hurting little boy/girl inside is acting/reacting in the only way they know how, even though they may now be a teen or adult.

Yes, they're most likely intellectually on par for their age, but emotionally are literally trapped in the ways and feelings of a child who lives within a constant state of fear.

What we need is the realization that those of us labeled as "Borderlines" feel like a prisoner to our emotions and trapped in a world not of our own. And more than anything else, we long for the love and support of community (family, friends, therapist, coach, church, etc.)

BPD is heart wrenching, agonizing, frustrating, debilitating, scary as hell and can even be deadly. It is not something you just "snap out of", "grow out of" or "get over". It is far more real than anyone not living with it would ever want to know.

And you may not understand what we are going through, as at times we don't either.

We just need you to know that scared, lonely, frightened and fearful little boy/girl inside doesn't want to feel and/or act this way; they want to be whole again as much (and most likely more) as you want to see them become whole again too.