Desperate for Love, NOT Drama

By: Debra Brent

Kate Voegle - Don't Count Me Out

I ran across an article this morning (Caring for Christians with Personality Disorders) while researching Dysphoria (**see definition below) in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I'm one of those who firmly believes there are no coincidences and stumbling upon this article, for me, is just another example of that.

When I found my Emotional Coach (BeatAnxiety.Me) on Instagram almost 3 years ago, I never fathomed that just a few months later I would be "saved". I also, at that time, had no idea what I would struggle with in regards to the same.

Backstory

I was raised in a Catholic household. I went to church, Catechism, First Communion, etc. Yet, I only remember this through what I've been told and/or seeing pictures, some of which trigger my stomach to become increasingly tight and give me a sense of unease.

Recently, I began a Christian bible plan How to Pray. From day 1, I've been triggered by The Lord's Prayer. I have no idea why this sparks such discord within my heart, but it's the sound of my mom's voice reciting it at dinnertime that makes me want to run like the wind.

I remember making excuses, faking illness, etc. to get out of going to church. When I turned 18, I vowed to never attend church again, which I didn't until 2019, except for a few weddings and funerals I couldn't weasel my way out of.

When I started working with beatanxiety.me, he taught on the basis of a 3 pronged approach comprised of the Physical, Emotional and Spiritual. At that time, I was utterly terrified at the thought of opening up a bible.

One of the books you will find on my Favorites List is The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I asked to instead order this book, as I remember reading a part of it years earlier and not being triggered by it.

So, I obtained the New Version of it, which entailed reading 1 chapter a day for 40 days. And it was, I believe on Day 4, that I became saved.

Saved, but Still Struggling

I too struggle with BPD and a severe sense of unworthiness, low self esteem, feelings of undeservedness and a core feature of feeling and being unlovable.

After being saved, I began to learn about the unconditional love of God, yet to this day still struggle with accepting this type of love from anyone else, let alone from myself or Him.

Abandonment, neglect and childhood abuse lie at the core of my struggles with BPD. Ingrained self limiting beliefs make me feel inadequate, not good enough, unwanted and like an imposter. On more than one occasion, I have even found myself describing me as the one mistake that God did make.

At the heart of that comment lies my most difficult struggle of all:

Toxic Shame

Slow Moving, Yet Not Impossible

Those who struggle with any type of personality disorder, especially with BPD, are oftentimes denied treatment, written off or grouped into categories such as "complicated", "drama queens", "treatment resistant", "impossible" and the like.

They are seen as defensive, over the top, cruel, manipulative, attention seeking and the list goes on and on.

What many fail to realize is that the actions seen by others are in fact none of those listed above, but a desperate attempt to be seen, felt, heard, accepted and above all else:

Loved

Finding the above article this morning happened after the below Tik Tok was first on my FYP:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeYgft41/

One of the difficulties I've encountered has been that of self acceptance. And as BeatAnxiety.Me states above, self-care wont come without self-acceptance and without self-care, you cant come into the unconditionality of self-love.

It's been 3 years since the true beginning of my healing journey and to say the least, it has been riddled with old struggles, new struggles and ALOT of impatience on my part.

Yet, if you take a look at My Story, you will also find that it too has been blessed with many positive changes.

And that right there is what those of us struggling need to concentrate on Every.Single.Solitary.Day!! In order to keep ourselves on track, moving forward, on the path of a continued journey towards becoming self-aware, we my friends need to consistently practice the act of:

Gratitude

We Can Overcome

So, as far as the unconditional love which I still struggle with, I remain steadfast in my faith that even though it has been slow going, there IS a reason for that and many lessons intertwined within, such as:

• Learning the meaning of patience

• Through introspection, I've seen where God has never given up on me, even when I had given up on Him and/or myself

• There is a purpose to all of the pain

• It's not about the destination, but the journey

• The little things are what ultimately add up to the big things in life

And no matter how bad my thoughts, feelings, or struggles may get, I'm SLOWLY, but surely learning that love has nothing to do with what I've done, the mistakes I've made or any disorders I have been diagnosed with, but has EVERYTHING to do with WHO I am and how He created me to be:

 With love, in Him,

forever and always 💕

#youareNEVERinthisalone

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra

** Dysphoria - Dysphoria results from the cyclical emotional oscil- lation between hope for stability and disappointment in its inattainability; a dependent-anaclitic depression arises from the mixture of anger, aloneness and inner emptiness which is so characteristic of the borderline syndrome.