Is It Really Just Boredom?

By: Debra Brent

I posted a Tik Tok the other day about "boredom" (video above).

The thing is, that feeling I talk about in the video is not just of being bored, but of loneliness, emptiness, unfullfillment, confusion and frustration.

Boredom to those struggling with BPD is actually a combination of the feeling AND reaction. According to https://www.karger.com/Article/Fulltext/511312, 

"These associations are supported by clinical and theoretical accounts of BPD which describe both a chronic, pervasive tendency toward boredom and an inability to tolerate it. Problems with boredom may also contribute to maladaptive behavioral patterns in BPD."

Oftentimes, those of us who struggle with BPD allow our feelings to lead us into reactions of impulsivity, anger, depression, isolation and the like.

But our reactions aren't based solely off of the feeling, but the want and/or need to AVOID THEM!

In many instances, when I voice my boredom to someone else, they will offer me up a list of suggestions of things to do. Unfortunately, the majority of the time I'll get irritated with them because I already know that list backwards, forwards, inside and out; already having told myself that none of it will help.

They in turn get frustrated with me and I too with them because I have no way of explaining that the type of boredom I feel isn't the same type of boredom that they do.

Does that make any sense?

You see, when others feel a sense of boredom, they look to do something to ALLEVIATE the feeling. When those of us struggling with BPD feel that same boredom, we look to do something (usually unhealthy) not to alleviate the feeling, but to RUN from it.

Our emotions are ones that too many times scare us. We run because that's what we did as children to survive. Yet when we bring those same survival skills into adulthood, we continue to build walls, hide and find new "adult" ways in which to escape.

When I was young, I used disociating and reading to escape. As I grew older, I exchanged those for cutting, drinking, gambling, sex, pot, smoking, precription abuse, overspending and the like. I would trade one for another and then another. I would be proud of myself for quitting one unhealthy behavior, unaware at the time that all I was doing was just trading in/up for a different one.

But none of those ways were or will ever be enough. Nothing will be strong enough or last long enough to fill the underlying loneliness, emptiness and identity confusion we feel due to being abandoned, neglected and/or abused.

Nothing will ever be enough to stave off the continual fears. Nothing will ever be enough to fill that void in our hearts where love was supposed to reside, until we face, work through and heal the root cause(s) of that immense hurt and despair.

And NOTHING will be able to heal that pain until we can learn to love and accept ourselves.

Whether you live with BPD, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety or whatever your struggles(s) might be, nothing and I mean NOTHING will ever change if you continue to run, hide or escape from your feelings.

As my Emotional coach (BeatAnxiety.Me) taught me,

"Healing is Feeling. Sit with it. Become comfortable with the uncomfortable."

Because think about it:

You can try and outrun people, places and things all you want, but how can you ever TRULY outrun that which lies within your own self?

Sending love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra