Lost in Translation

By: Debra Brent

There's always been one thing I've found kind of difficult to explain to those who don't also struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). That is there have been certain aspects within the healing process which have found me banging my head against the proverbial brick wall.

One prime example dealt with the concept of acceptance. If you were to explain to me the meaning of it, I could intellectually understand and also be able to explain it to another. Yet when I would take this and attempt to apply it to my own life, it's like it got lost in translation.

It seems as if I imbibe the info, but when it comes time to actually apply it to my own life, I feel like a deer caught in headlights. Then, I get frustrated on top of frustrated. I feel stupid and like a failure. This is not the only topic I've struggled with in this way and it's so incredibly hard to try and explain to someone that yes, I know 2+2=4, but for some reason when I go to add it up in my head, it equals 106.

It's difficult not to berate myself and feel "less than" and also feeds into my struggles with Imposter Syndrome. I feel "less than" in the fact that I can explain it to you, but I have no idea how to make my own self understand to apply it.

What I need to do is change the way I look at it. We all are made up differently. We all have qualities, strengths and imperfections that others don't,

And That's OK!!

It's kind of ironic that one of the concepts I struggled to grasp is the exact concept that could help to free me from the bondage of frustration and failure, lol 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

It reminds me of something my Emotional Coach (BeatAnxiety.Me) would say,

 "Oftentimes the very emotion that hurt you is the very emotion that can heal you."

And that emotion is Love.

• Learning to accept my flaws, insecurities, imperfections is Love.
• Learning to self soothe through  compassion is Love.
• Learning to not quit or give up on myself as others have is Love.
• Learning to care for myself instead of neglect my needs is Love.
• And learning that if one way doesn't work to grasp a concept, I need to try another.

There was an instance a few years back with my ex and youngest son who lives with Downs Syndrome. Someone was pushing him to fill up his plate at a table laid out like a buffet. He just stood there, frozen. I recognized the fear in him because I oftentimes feel that same fear when I get put on the spot.

So, I suggested that we let him know we are there, but give him some space to "process". As we did this, he looked back once or twice and saw us, then after a few minutes, began to fill his plate on his own - and ate it all!

There is always a way. Yet struggling with perfectionism, I have often found it extremely difficult not to "shut down" when I don't understand and/or do something incorrectly.

And perfectionism is rooted in a lack of self worth - or Self Worth Anxiety as my Coach calls it.

The thing is we are all perfectly imperfect! No two of us are exactly the same. That's what makes us each unique and special.

And accepting those imperfections is a part of Love.

So is realizing that just because I don't understand something in regards to myself, doesn't mean I have nothing to offer others.

Because God puts a lesson in everything if we just take the time to listen. And maybe, just maybe, the lesson in my imperfections is learning to accept and love myself BECAUSE of them and not despite them.

Sending you love, huggzz and prayers,

Debra