Letting Go of Shame

 By: Debra Brent

I had something happen yesterday which filled me with great shame. It was a part of my past I dreaded might resurface and it finally did.

As the event unfolded, my chest tightened, breathing became shallow and I simultaneously felt as if my entire body deflated. I felt exhausted and just wanted to sleep and escape.

So, I instead sat with it. I sat with the shame. I sat with the crushing feeling in my chest. I sat with the guilt and regret of my past. Normally this would have brought me to tears, binge eating, grabbing a drink, etc., but it brought only a feeling I didn't quite understand.

I slept fitfully last night, awakened several times by what I could tell were disturbing dreams.

Then awoke this morning with those thoughts and memories still on my mind.

I turned to my bible plan Trapped by Guilt which in turn led me to the website Desiringgod.org. I then searched the word that seems to constantly plague my thoughts, feelings and heart:

Shame

Getting Unstuck From the Shame Spiral

I ran across several articles that brought to light my skewed perspective on shame (Do You Regret Your Dating History?, Daughters From Broken Homes, Leave Your Secret Sin Behind Today)

When it comes to the shame I was struggling with, it too was wrapped in guilt and regret.

What it was also cloaked in was the wrong question:

Why me?

One of my favorite quotes by BeatAnxiety.Me is, "Why? Steals; What? Heals". I've allowed myself to wallow in the shame asking over and over again, "Why is this happening to me?", instead of, "What is this teaching me?"

I've allowed my struggle with fear, judgement and criticism to feed into the guilt, regret and shame.

I've allowed what others might think of me to overshadow the fact that God can use my sin, my weakness for His greater good.

When I was saved a few years back, He forgave me. Since, I have done nothing of the sort in regards to that sin, yet still allow Satan's "digs" into my past to cut me off at the knees.

I have been walking through the process of forgiveness, yet need to remind myself that forgiveness isn't just of the acts, but of the person; forgiveness is also not just a one time thing.

I've written several love letters to myself, yet still feel the need to write another. I believe that the further I get along in the healing process, the more I begin to understand that what I thought I was forgiving before was truly not. I feel there have been different stages I've gone through, different layers so to speak. And with each layer comes another emotion I had yet to deal with.

One layer was anger, then grief

Another guilt, then loneliness

And incorporated into each of them was shame

I asked a question this morning as to whether I was numbing myself out or truly healing? I wondered because I didn't feel last night what I normally felt in the past when facing such an emotion.

I answered my own question by realizing that I wasn't fighting this feeling anymore. I wasn't ignoring it. I wasn't running from it with booze or drugs or unhealthy coping. I instead sat with it - with the heaviness in my chest and the trouble breathing. I didn't turn to my inhaler. I also didn't cry. I felt because there were no tears that I was numbing myself out, til I realized that it actually was me becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. And the uncomfortable for me is not crying or running to escape.

You would think that would be the reaction we are seeking, yet when it's not a part of our "comfort zone", it can seem scary and make us question ourselves and feel totally out of place.

It doesn't matter whether that comfort zone hurts us or not, when we are taken out of it, even to a place that brings contentment, peace and/or joy, it can make us feel more uncomfortable than we ever thought possible.

Safety is what we used to survive. When we build walls and condition ourselves to run, hide or escape, it scares the ever living crap out of us to let go of those safety nets, even if that letting go is what will ultimately set us free.

There is Power in Vulnerability

Letting out our shame isn't a sign of weakness, but of strength, courage and hope.

I mentioned earlier that "something" happened last night. Until I began to write this, I wasn't going to explain what that "something" was. Yet, if I am to free myself of the shame and show the glory of God in Him saving me, I can't hide behind the fear of what others might think. I need to live out instead the truth of God's love, grace and forgiveness.

So, what I found last night were nude pictures of myself on the internet. Yet what I need to understand is that those pictures were of the "old me", not of the person I am today or will be tomorrow.

They happened during my time in the Swinging Lifestyle, a time of which I didn't really care what happened to me. They were shared with others without a regard in the world to myself or what may come of them later on down the road.

To be quite honest, I didn't think there would be a later on down the road for me anyways. I'm 48 and thought I'd be dead by now. I had no clue back then that God would save me, that He would use my story to help others or that He would use His own story to help me.

That's the thing about life, you never know what can happen because our story really isn't ours to tell, but His. Only He knows what can and will happen in our life. Yet, it's up to us to open our hearts fully to Him, to our pain, sin, guilt, regret and shame, so that He can ultimately use our story for His glory.

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra