Overthinking

By: Debra Brent

I've been struggling with a few things this past week.

I've written about a couple of them, but stress and holding the shame inside brought on another.

I have my Anxiety Care Group tonight (run by BeatAnxiety.Me) and what we do at the beginning is share our highs and lows for the week. I keep fighting myself back and forth as to whether to mention my lows or not.

I struggle because I know you can't heal what you refuse to reveal, yet the shame associated with 2 of the events wants to keep my walls up and intact.

I think about that alot when it comes to dating again. What do I share? When do I share it? What do I keep to myself? How do I explain it? I want to share early so I don't get too invested, yet I want to wait too until they get to know me as a person better.

I keep worrying about the "what ifs" because of my "what was". And am I really ready to handle rejection or judgement or criticism over any/all of it?

It's a battle I fight quite often with myself. I don't want to feel like I'm hiding anything, but don't want to bombard them either and scare em off.

Plus, I haven't been in the dating pool in ages

and it honestly freaks the crap out of me!

I know what others think shouldn't matter, but it still does to a point. I know that if they can't accept me for who I am, that too shouldn't matter because that just means they aren't for me, yet the thought of that still hurts.

So, I instead sit nice and snug in the cocoon I've built and am wary of leaving it's comfort, yet the loneliness inside is more than I can bear at times.

I sometimes wonder if my time hasn't passed for finding the love of my life, if I totally blew him off when I was drunk, or if it's just not meant to be for me and that's something I need to learn to accept.

Shame has me swimming in these multitude of thoughts, including about what to do tonight.

Knowing myself, I probably won't make a decision until the last minute (procrastination + impulsivity). Fear is riding on my coattails again and so is the second guessing.

But, that's all just a part of becoming self-aware, healing and as they always say,

"Nothing good comes easy."

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra