The Stronghold of Toxic Shame

By: Debra Brent

Part of my bible plan reading this morning was in regards to prayer. It talked about revealing to God not only our wildest hopes and dreams, but our deepest pains.

The hopes and dreams are easy, but the deepest pains are where I struggle, even with God.

Some of the most painful shame I struggle with nobody on earth knows about. One or two know a few generalities, but the ones that hurt the most only He knows.

Toxic Shame and Self-Worth

There are things in my past that took awhile for me to acknowledge, let alone accept:

• I blamed everyone else for my struggles, when many of them (after the original abuse) were caused by myself - as in Trauma begets Trauma.

• BPD was and is not an excuse for my behaviors/actions/reactions.

• I am not "that person" anymore, yet  continue to get stuck in the fear of acceptance and forgiveness towards myself.

I know deep in my heart what I believe, of my morals and values, yet past actions still haunt and current thoughts make me feel poisonous to others and like an imposter.

These feelings are due to Toxic Shame

Loneliness, emptiness, self-doubt, fear and shame consume me at times to the point of suicidal thoughts and past suicidal attempts.

I isolate, push away or at least keep others at a distance for fear I'll only end up hurting them as I have hurt others in the past.

Many times I look in the mirror and the title of an NF song reverberates through my entire being:

I Hate Myself

Hurting People Hurt People

My anxiety coach (BeatAnxiety.Me) states that just because some hurt you doesn't mean all will hurt you.

I think this too can apply to ourselves in the sense that just because we've hurt some doesn't mean we will hurt all.

That's a concept I struggle with. My identity gets so wrapped up in the toxic words and acts of the past. When they broach the surface, time and time again it's reingrained in me that not only were others toxic in my life, but that I too reek of toxicity.

And that toxicity is rooted in a deeply solidified sense of shame

Yes, I've quit many unhealthy coping mechanisms and replaced them with healthy ones, yet continue to hurt myself by the few I haven't been able to totally let go of as of yet.

And that's because I feel I'm too disgusting, dirty and sick to deserve a second chance. For it's not only the past that haunts me, but the present as well.

Purpose in the Pain

I know there is purpose in the pain. I've already seen some of that purpose evolve, yet I too hold myself back due to this toxic shame.

I know those who judge me are not the ones who should be in my life. Still, it's difficult to digest this concept because the biggest judge of that reflection in the mirror is myself.

I know that my past can be used for good, yet there are certain aspects I struggle to see how they could be anything but harmful to reveal, not only towards others, but also towards me.

Shame is hard enough to deal with, but toxic shame is the ultimate poison that can bring anyone to their knees over and over again.

Bottom line is though, I'm not one to quit!

It may suck, hurt, be debilitating and I may live within a rollercoaster of emotions, good days, bad days and highs/lows that feel as if they will literally kill me. But, I'm 48 years old and sitting here writing this post. What does that mean?

I'm still alive!!

And as long as I'm still breathing, I'll continue to learn from Him, others and myself; I'll keep on writing about all of it;  feel it, teach it, create from it and push forward through it.

Because I may never know the reasoning behind it all, but HE does.

And that's the only truth I need to continue pulling myself back up every time I fall.

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra