The Wall of Shame

By: Debra Brent

My anxiety coach (BeatAnxiety.Me) often wonders why so many traumatized women seek help through him, a man?

I often wondered to myself when they'd ask if I preferred a Male or Female therapist, why I always answered, "Male"?

Why would I want to seek help from the gender that seemed to cause me the most harm?

It never dawned on me until today after finishing a book, that the reason behind that for me lay within the context of shame.

You might be thinking,

"What the hell is she talking about?"

Well, let's take a look.

Safe Spaces

Ever since high school, I've gravitated towards men in the realm of friendship. It has always seemed easier for me to talk to them and be who I thought at the time was "myself". Yet, I would go through decades of repeated trauma with men at the helm but still continued to seek out their friendship and also guidance in therapy and coaching.

It baffled me to no end as to why this was. Not until I worked alongside BeatAnxiety.Me did I ever realize the extent of my childhood abuse wasn't only due to the physical, verbal and sexual from men, but also the abandonment and neglect from my mother.

That mother-child attachment was never formed, so I instead went looking for it from my father.

I looked to him to be my "safe space". I looked to him for that love and acceptance I never felt from my mother. The irony is, he too emotionally abandoned and neglected me, yet when my mother physically abandoned us through divorce, he was the only "safe space" left I had to try and cultivate.

I wanted my dad's approval more than anything imaginable!! It was a need beyond a need and for me it felt like one of life or death.

When what I was searching for was not forthcoming, I continued to cope in more unhealthy ways, people please and strive towards an area of perfection.

The toxicity of it all morphed from shame into toxic shame and that toxicity followed me around like the plague for most of my life.

And just like when one falls ill, you want to find that comfort zone or "safe space" in which to become well again.

Thus, my search continued for that safety zone well into adulthood - longingly searching for what I never received as a child from my father. I jumped from relationship to relationship, one bed to another, all in the hope of maneuvering a different outcome each time around.

I prayed that the next friendship, relationship, counselor, coach, etc. would be that "safe space" consisting of a trusting, compassionate, caring, accepting and above all else, loving man.

I kept giving each one the benefit of the doubt, yet was continually let down and/or traumatized by them and slowly my trust began to dissipate. As that trust began to deplete, the walls went up and each time I was hurt, neglected or abandoned by another, the shame attached itself to those walls until eventually, that's all they were left covered in.

The Wall of Shame

I never realized back then what I was doing was in response to that "safe place" I was looking for.

I didn't understand the chameleon-like ways I would change within each relationship, hoping for acceptance and approval.

I didn't "get" that each time I would alter myself for one of them, I lost a part of me; that each instance I allowed something I didn't want, I continued to build and add onto that "Wall of Shame".

I never grasped the concept that the "safe space" I so desperately craved could not be found within the arms of another, but within the arms of my own self.

That foundation of my "Wall of Shame" was laid by others, but the walls themselves were constructed by my own two hands.

And the only way to deconstruct them, was to deconstruct my self limiting beliefs, coping mechanisms and allow myself to feel each brick as it broke away and fell.

It Wasn't Your Fault

Part of the healing process includes unpacking the blame, but also learning to unshame.

I went from blaming everyone else, to solely blaming myself, not only for the traumas, but for the responses to them as well.

It's only been through deconstructing those walls one brick at a time, that I've become aware of these facts:

• Hurting people hurt people

• Dissociating was a survival skill, not a weakness

• The safe space I was seeking externally can only be found internally

• Trauma responses do not dictate who you ARE

• Toxic Shame is a belief, and beliefs can be changed

• My needs DO matter, just as I matter as a whole

• Acceptance is intertwined within forgiveness and grace

And my fear of feeling stems from the fact of thinking that if I allow myself to feel, the entire Wall of Shame is going to topple over all at once and crush me to death.

The reality of "healing is feeling" and "sitting with it" is that you only need to sit with and feel the present emotion, not all of them at once.

I've always been afraid of an explosion or implosion of feeling that would strangle or drown me instantaneously, so I would dissociate and disconnect from the present feeling out of fear.

"Sitting IN it" is what I have been doing - concentrating solely on the story which then snowballs into ruminating, blame and shame. It's a cycle which will remain set on repeat until you can break free from the story line(s).

By learning instead to "Sit WITH it", you are then noticing, validating and allowing yourself the compassion to diffuse and subsequently heal it.

And no matter how far gone you think you may be, how old you are, how long ago the original trauma transpired or how undeserving or shameful you may feel,

"We CAN Heal!!"

But healing is a process that takes time, consistency, feeling and above all else, change.

And the want/need to make that change is a choice only you can decide for yourself.

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra