Too Hard to Love

By: Debra Brent

We all have those dreams as a little kid that didn't come true.

Mine was of getting a college degree, having my dad walk me down the aisle when I got married, having children and grandchildren.

Not one of those dreams ever came true and unfortunately a few of them due to time, nature and circumstances never will.

I've spent ALOT of time alone in my life. Even when in relationships, I oftentimes felt alone because I was always trying to please them and down play my own struggles.

I was attempting to act "normal" when most times I actually felt out of place or crazy.

Fear of Love

My anxiety coach (BeatAnxiety.Me) posted a Tik Tok today about women who feel they are too hard to love.

I felt that….deeply

I feel I'm too hard to love, too much to love, not enough to love, too screwed up to love, too damaged to love and not worthy of love.

Yet we need to remember that feelings lie. And I quite often tend to lean into those negative feelings and end up lying to myself.

One of my greatest fears is winding in this life up alone. Never having someone who'll look into my eyes and tell me they are in love with me. Never finding that one who will accept me with all of my insecurities and quirks. Never finding the one who won't get offended if I flinch at their touch or freak out if I need some space.

I'm afraid that by choosing the right path, I also chose a path that will see me viewing the rest of it entirely on my own.

I don't want to be "that person" anymore, but that person didn't seem so lonely. That person didn't seem as afraid. That person also didn't seem to care what happened to her.

She was a person who masked her pain, found courage through alcohol, gave more of herself than she had to give through pot and pills; she was a person who never dated, but just got drunk and slept with way too many men; she skated through the day with a smile on her face and barely made it through the nights with a knife or razor blade as her only friend; she is a person who ran when things got hard, who acted like she didn't care, but cared more than anyone could ever imagine; she was a person who felt crazy, embarrassed easily, awkward, stupid, invisible, left behind and that they only way she could get or hold onto another was through anything that had to deal with nudity or sex, even when it shamed her to no end.

She was a person who felt she'd be too hard and too much to love if anyone knew the real truth.

Now, she's a person who still feels that way, even though she speaks her truth. She isolates not due to fear of the future, but fear of repeating the past,

And the fear of being loved

Unconditional Love

She doesn't run as much anymore, but still tends to hide….yet instead of escaping by means of alcohol, drugs or sex,  it's now behind a stupid little phone screen.

It's easy to write and filter comments when you are alone, but not so much when you have to speak that truth out loud or face to face.

It's all a process though. Some things have gotten way better, others a little worse and some have just shifted in how they are dealt with.

Healing is not a straight shot. There will be ups, down, shifts, wrong turns, etc. but the important thing to remember is to not stop moving.

• It may feel like nothing will ever change, but it will.
• It may feel like things in the moment will be that way forever, but they won't.
• You may feel like you're going to die from the embarrassment, humiliation and/or pain, but it does and will get better if you open up your heart 
• And if you feel you are too hard, or too much too love, well the fact of the matter is you are wrong.

Your tribe is out there. And your tribe will grow and change as you grow and change, but no matter how lonely, alone or unlovable you may feel, there is ALWAYS one place you can turn to for acceptance, grace, forgiveness and unconditional love:

All you have to do is look up…..