The Fear of Being Loved
By: Debra Brent
The post was about Chronic Loneliness and the tag was in regards to a comment about the fear of being loved.
And yes, I have an extreme fear of being loved. Not because I don't crave it, because that's the farthest thing from the truth. The fact is that I fear it because like the old saying goes,
"Love Hurts"
Childhood Trauma and Love
For those who don't know my story, I am still dealing with and working through childhood trauma in regards to repressed memories, abandonment, neglect and many other types of abuse.
The culmination of that, plus the adult traumas added on, has been one of toxic shame and chronic loneliness.
The difference between being "alone" and "loneliness" is that being alone signifies a physical state, whereas loneliness signifies a way of "being".
I never realized that even though I looked for love in all the wrong places that I was looking for the only kind of love I knew.
The only type of love I had ever known hurt like a bitch. And as an adult, the type of relationships I got myself into mirrored many aspects of that childhood love I had grown up with.
Until I was saved, I never understood the "true" meaning of love. Yet even now I still struggle, not in regards to grasping the meaning of true love, but to open up my heart enough to accept it.
Chronic Loneliness
I've come a long way since my healing journey began, yet there are a few places in which I seem to constantly find myself "stuck" in and one of those is a state of chronic loneliness.
I tend to go through cycles. I can look back now and see them repeat themselves continuously. Sometimes many times a year, others are only a few because those are the ones that seem to last the longest.
When I come out of a cycle, I'm ready to get on with life. Those are the times I "do" what needs to be done in order to move forward in the healing process. Such items on that list include:
- Journaling
- Meditation
- Tapping
- Love Letters
- Taking Medication
- Eating Right
- Exercising
- Bible Plans
- Volunteering/Serving
- Going to Church
- Small Group
- Self-Care (such as showering)
- Inner Child Work
All of those encompass what my Mental Health Coach teaches on, which is a three pronged approach comprised of: Mental/Emotional - Spiritual - Physical.
When working on all three at once (as you are supposed to), I see a big difference in the way I not only think, but feel about things.
If we take into consideration of this present point in time, I am not doing all three of those things. When that happens, I tend to find myself in that downward part of the cycle and/or spiral in which I begin to do the following:
- Isolate
- Distract
- Avoid
- Binge Eat
- Detach from Relationships
- Suicidal Thoughts
- "I Don't Care" Attitude
I know enough now to see (for the most part) when I am in the midst of a cycle. And it's only by working through what spun me around and into it's depths in the first place in which I can pull myself out.
This time, it's having to move, unresolved issues with a family member, physical pain and feeling like a failure.
All of these were a part of my childhood as well. Not only the issues, but the way in which I dealt with them. My chosen method even back then was to spend an inordinate amount of time alone - because I felt like a burden, that I wasn't "good enough" and when I made a mistake, I never knew how to forgive myself, yet knew precisely how to blame myself for everything.
I had nowhere to turn and to be quite honest, thought everything I had gone through as a child was considered "normal". I knew I was kinda a loner, geek, book worm, shy and quiet. Yet, never started to experience what I call the "abnormal" until I began to grow up and date.
Even then, I longed for something I could never find. I longed for something I never had. And I still long for it more than anyone will ever know.
Love Hurts
Fear is a bitch to be honest. I've lived most of my live in fear of one thing or another. But the greatest fear which I have never "listed" (so to speak) before is the fear of being loved.
You would think it would be the easiest thing in the world to accept love from someone when it is a form of Godly love - but it doesn't always work that way.
I still have unresolved issues that make me feel I don't deserve it (although those are getting better).
Since moving to Georgia, God has placed in my life a group of people who've accepted me for who I was, am and will be. And I love them all to death!! The problem I struggle with has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with myself.
- I get too close and then pull away
- I make a mistake and fear they will hold it against me
- I don't know the answer and fear they will see me as inferior
- I say the wrong thing and fear to speak up again
- I want to ask to do things with them, but fear they will say no
- I want to reach out to them, but fear I will only be a burden
- I want to open up, but fear they will run for the hills if I do
- I want to love them as they love me, but fear I will then lose them
And even when I am in their midst (whether it be in a group or one-on-one) I feel invisible, antsy, shy, nervous and just want to run away.
As I said earlier, you would think that letting love in would be the easiest thing in the world for someone who never knew what it felt like, yet in actuality it's one of the scariest prospects of healing that I can think of.
Growing Up
I grew up as a child of divorce. I went from being the youngest of two, to the middle of seven. And I think it was from that point on in which I truly began to feel invisible. I didn't fit in with either group above or below me. I felt "different". I was hypersensitive and their joking hurt me more then any of them will ever realize. I felt things deeper, including pain.
The pain of their jokes. the pain of feeling left out, the pain of not feeling heard, the pain of not feeling loved.
So, I would people please to gain attention. I also made alot of mistakes that seemed to gain even more. I went from reading all of the time, to drawing. As I grew older, replaced those with cutting, smoking, drinking, gambling, binge eating, pot and sex. At that point, it was not only an effort to people please and fit it as much as it was an effort to escape.
One of those escape methods (and unhealthy coping mechanisms) I turned to and still do, includes isolation. When I start withdrawing, even online, that's a precursor to me running, avoiding and distracting.
It's also a precursor to taking those tools listed above used to heal and one by one allow them to slip away.
That's loneliness to me in a nutshell. It's not about physically being alone, but even when I have some sort of connection with someone, (whether online, through the phone or in person) it's still feeling as if I am alone, invisible and empty inside.
When I begin to discard those healing connections, I'm throwing myself headfirst into the beliefs that I don't deserve them; just as I felt I didn't deserve them when I was younger because my take on love was of "works" and not one of just "being".
Acceptance
I've been walking through the fields as of late in regards to forgiving myself . That's been a hole I'd been stuck in for quite awhile, yet can see now myself slowly crawling out of.
Thing is, there's an even bigger hole just waiting for me to plunge head first into it and that's called "acceptance".
Until I can accept me for me, my past and present for exactly what they were/are and my future for whatever it may be, I'll continue to climb and fall back down into that hole of chronic loneliness, because acceptance is the exact place where you will do two things:
Let Go Of Fear
and
Let Your Heart Open To Love
Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,
Debra
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