Behind the Fear

By: Debra Brent

Lately, death seems to be at the forefront of my mind.

I talked to my mother recently and she's having more difficulty getting around, running out of breath, etc. She was supposed to come visit last year, but then Covid hit and nixed those plans. So, we changed them to a visit later this year and now she's not sure she will physically be able to do it.

That's when the realization hit I may never see her again. Not only her, but my step mom who I never got to see before I left Michigan.

And it's not like I'm in the greatest shape of my life. Then I ran across an article yesterday about the life expectancy being shortened 9-20 years for those who struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I'll be 49 later this year and fear has been engulfing me lately.

• Fear of abandonment

• Fear of death

• Fear of living

• Fear of failure

• Fear of not healing

• Fear of being alone the rest of my life

• Fear of dying alone

I look back and wonder where my life went. I wonder what purpose that it served? I've never been married, no pets, no house, no kids, no savings, etc.  According to the definition by society of "success", I'm a total and utter failure.

The older I get, the angrier I seem to get - not at others, but at myself.

And below that anger, lies guilt.

I feel guilty for holding anger towards those who have hurt me. I feel guilty for cutting people out of my life. I feel guilty for doing nothing with my life. I feel guilty that I'm still alive when I think I'm just taking up space others could utilize better.

I even feel guilty for hurting. I feel guilty for not being able to just "let it go".

I just plain feel guilty.

I was a bad daughter, sister, girlfriend, co-worker, friend, etc. I was a frustrating client to therapists, coaches, counselors, etc.

I feel guilty for my reactions and just being "me"

I never asked to get diagnosed with C-PTSD, BPD, Depression, etc., yet I can't seem to accept all that entails because it feeds into the beliefs that I'm a failure.

I look in the mirror and hate myself.

Yes, I am aware of my past and current behaviors and at times I wish I wasn't, but that's because the truth hurts.

Sometimes I wish I was still drinking and oblivious to my struggles. Yet even then, I was aware of them, but was just numbing it all out with alcohol, pot and sex.

Maybe it hurts more now because I'm not plying myself with substances to avoid feeling.

Yet, my walls are so high that I feel numb anyways.

I just had a conversation with a friend recently about dating. I hate with a passion being alone, but I don't know that I'll ever have the guts to date again due to three stupid ass letters:

BPD

Fear of being criticized, judged and rejected is more than I could handle. I don't trust myself. I second guess myself constantly. I have no idea which emotions are fabricated by my protective self and which ones are authentic.

• Am I asking for help out of loneliness or necessity?

• Am I people pleasing or giving truly from my heart?

• Am I wearing a mask or is this how I really feel?

• Do I honestly not care, or is that fear talking?

• Do I think I am nothing, or am I just giving up on myself?

• Do I hate my reactions, myself or am I still angry because of the original trauma?

• Am I fearful I'll revert back to old behaviors or is it more a fear of failure?

• Am I afraid of others or am I really just scared of my own self?

It's exhausting fighting and attempting to "reprogram" yourself. If only I could just "get over it", yet that's not how healing works.

It's a battle of identity: the protective self versus my inner child versus my adult self. And my protective self has turned into a total and utter BITCH!!

It used to shield me and now it seems as if it's just out to confuse, frustrate and hurt me.

How do you tell yourself that it's not your fault,

but yet still FEEL like it is?

I battle between the emotional and rational; between the devil (my head) and God (my heart).

Yet this is one battle I won't quit because embedded among it lies purpose. Whether I know of it or not is irrelevant, because God does and that's all that matters.

So I can't give up; I won't give up; I have to keep going. Maybe one day it will click, or maybe it never will, but one thing is for certain:

I will fight till the end to find out…..

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra