Hold On To Me

By: Debra Brent

I believe that the good Lord tests us. I also don't believe in coincidences.

I've experienced both of these in the past 12 hours.

Yet if you take the time to stop and listen, you will be amazed at what you can truly learn, not only about yourself, but about Him.

Rumination and Catastrophizing

I had been putting off my yearly mammogram for about 8 months. I think in part was due to fear of my sister in law's breast cancer diagnosis last fall and also another family member who had a recent irregular mammogram.

I was urged to get it done, yet still put it off for the past few months.

I got a planner a couple weeks back and have been finally plugging along in getting those things accomplished that were overwhelming me by just swimming around inside my head,

Including that missed mammogram.

So, I finally had it done yesterday and received the results last night online.

Then instantly began to panic

There was an abnormality found that needed to be compared to my last mammogram results, which  I did not have.

I then turned to Google to look up the words and phrases I didn't understand. I love Google, yet at the same time for someone struggling with anxiety, it can also be a double edged sword.

My mind began to take off like a freight train. My chest tightened, pains in my side ensued, breathing became increasingly difficult and tears began to fall.

So, I turned to You Tube to try and distract from my ever racing thoughts.

And I ran across this newly released (as in only hours before) video of Hold On To Me by Lauren Daigle.

There Are No Coincidences

I find it no coincidence this song was put in my path.

I also found it no coincidence that sunflowers appeared in this video (courtesy of my friend Rachel who passed from Stage 4 Colon Cancer and her sign for me to keep on fighting).

I then awoke this morning to the following from a friend in my church group:

Then also, an invitation from BeatAnxiety.Me to join a new Bible Plan from DesiringGod in which the first words spoken on the video devotional were:

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)

Patience and Peace

I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) of which rumination and catastrophizing are two of it's characteristics.

I too have and continue to struggle with patience and unhealthy coping.

Last night, I slept fitfully and do remember (kinda) eating a bunch of junk food in the middle of the night.

Yet when I awoke this morning and found this daily blessing, the new bible plan invitation and this song first up on my playlist, I took a deep breath and smiled through the tears.

Yes, I am still struggling with worry, but I didn't turn to food or coping or drugs, I instead turned to Him.

And was reminded of a few of those He has blessed my new life with:

• The women in my church group
• My Anxiety Coach and friend Ryan
• My new found friend and Sister Amanda

And the one thing God has spoken to me through time and time again:

Music

As I sat writing this, another song came on I had never heard before: Scars by I Am They

Darkest water and deepest pain

I wouldn't trade it for anything

'Cause my brokenness brought me to you

And these wounds are a story you'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who you are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

• In the midst of worry, we CAN find peace
• In the midst of fear, we CAN find gratefulness 
• In the midst of struggle, we CAN find patience 

And in the midst of everything, we CAN and will find Him if we just open up our hearts, give upwards our pain, worry, fear and just

BELIEVE.

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra