Missing Pieces

 By: Debra Brent

When I was younger, I began using sex as a coping mechanism. I never understood at the time what I was doing, or why. All I know is that the end result was me giving so much of myself away that now, it feels like I have nothing left to give.

Little Girl Lost

I had been sexually abused as a child and into my teens. Then at 19, I was raped for the first time by someone I knew. Since I don't remember the vivid details of my childhood, I saw this rape as how I lost my virginity.

After that, I changed more than I realized.

I started to break curfew, miss work, dress in all black, partied more and withdrew when not getting drunk.

Right before my 21st birthday, I had consensual sex for the first time. He was a guy from work I'd had a crush on for awhile. Unfortunately, he had a crush on one of my other friends and not me. Yet, he kept calling me to "hook up".

And I impulsively kept giving in.

That was when I truly began to give myself away - one small piece at a time.

How Much Do I Have Left To Give?

As was put to me by my Mental Health Coach Ryan (BeatAnxiety.Me), "I was looking for love in all the wrong places."

Sex is not meant to be "casual". It is meant to be a connection built out of trust, compassion and true love, held solely for "the one" - your partner for life.

But for me, it turned into a desperate plea to feel wanted, accepted and a pipe dream that sex would eventually lead to love. If I just kept giving them a piece of me, my hope was eventually they would want all of me - but that was and never will be the case.

To be quite honest, sex has never meant anything to me and eventually I came to look at it as a means to an end.

At times, it gave me a place to stay for the night when I was homeless. Other times, it was to boost my self-esteem. Yet no matter the reason, almost every time it ended with me feeling worse about myself than before.

After awhile, I began to look in the mirror and see a "whore". I'm not going to divulge the "number", but at one point I had a boyfriend tell me had he known that "number" in the beginning, he never would have asked me out.

It was at that point the extreme shame began to set in, however, I didn't stop this behavior and instead it began to escalate.

How Bad Could it Get?

By my late 30s, I had been raped a total of 3 times and also attempted to take my own life the same number of times.

I felt worthless, unlovable, disposable, useless, like a piece of trash, unwanted and found sex to be the one way I could "please" others, still hoping that would eventually lead to that acceptance and love I so desperately craved.

It was at this point in my life I was introduced to the swinging lifestyle and began the descent into what would ultimately lead to a 4th rape, a 4th suicide attempt and a heap more of physical, verbal, mental and sexual abuse.

By the time I got myself out of said situation, I felt I'd given so much of myself away that I didn't know if there was anything else left to give.

After working with my Mental Health Coach, I finally began to understand just how unhealthy "casual sex" had been for me and how it had only added to the stockpile of original trauma and toxic shame I had yet to sort through and heal.

One of his phrases that's stuck with me is:

"Trauma Begets Trauma"

I had been running from that original trauma and pain. I used sex as a way to try and control a situation in the hope I could create an outcome that was different than when I was child.

I was trying to force that "Happy Ending" since I felt that "Happy Ending" would never find me in a natural way.

I gave and gave and gave of myself to man after man. I hurt others through an affair I had early on with someone who was married. I hurt others by having sex with married men/taken men in the lifestyle. I hurt others because hurting people hurt people and I'd yet to heal the repeated pain that was not only thrust upon me, but also the pain I too had thrust upon my own self.

Now What?

I was in a relationship at the time I met my Coach. Little did I understand just how toxic the relationship really was…or how much fear was keeping rooted from leaving it.

It finally got to the point in my 40s that I went from having sex all of the time, to flinching and/or pulling away when I was even just touched in any type of sexual way.

I began to withdraw not only from sex, but from my boyfriend in general. I was on the verge of a 5th suicide attempt when I found Ryan and was enlightened to the fact I'd been running from it all through those means of addiction, alcohol, gambling, pot, smoking, food and sex for decades.

The thing is, when you keep running, you'll eventually get exhausted and run out of steam. You'll reach a point where you've given so much of yourself away, you don't have the energy or any pieces left to give - even to yourself.

Munn - I Lost Myself

You hit that proverbial brick wall and/or fall so far down the rabbit hole you can't see the light anymore to find your way out.

You ultimately end up losing yourself in every way possible.

And that's exactly what I did, until enough was FINALLY enough.

Rebuilding and New Beginnings

With the guidance of my Coach, I finally got up the courage to leave that toxic relationship after 5+ years. I moved out of state and began the work needed to replace each piece I previously gave away.

I've been single now for 2 years and refuse to enter into another relationship, or even date, until I can finally heal and put myself back together again.

I do, however,  feel lost at the moment because I'm not "that" person anymore. I gave away more of myself than I ever thought possible. And each of those pieces will never be found, because I'm not going to return to those unhealthy coping mechanisms to go back and find them.

I'm instead going to heal and REPLACE those traumatized pieces with the "new me", the "healthy me" and the "me" that isn't looking for love in all the wrong places; the "me" who finally sees that the validation, acceptance, trust and love she so craved was within herself the entire time and that you don't need to give any piece or part of yourself away to anybody else to find what you are searching for.

You just need to take a look inside, within your own heart 💖💗💝