What Time Is It?

By: Debra Brent

I've often times awoke in the morning to realize I had written articles or poems in the middle of the night with no recollection of writing them.

I've found a vase of flowers in a different room, junk food wrappers strewn all over the place, bruises on my body and once even found the TV remote in the freezer 😳 - and have no memory of any of it.

During the day, I struggle to stay in a routine because I get caught in tangents. Something will spark my interest to read, research, write, clean, make a Tik Tok, etc. and I lose all track of time.

If it wasn't for my Fitbit, I couldn't tell you when or how long I slept each night, or if I even did at all.

Without the calendar reminders on my phone, I'd be even more disorganized and overwhelmed than I already am.

Then there's my memory. Which to be brutally honest, sucks ass!! For instance, I will attend or watch church service on Sunday mornings and by Wed night when our Small Group meets, I can't remember a thing. I may remember feeling or connecting with something during the service but unless someone begins talking about the specifics, I can't seem to recall it on my own.

As for daily life. I feel present most times and know what I'm doing at that moment, yet can't always remember what I did, even earlier that day, without documenting it through writing or journaling. And if I do remember, it's as if I see it through a third party state - like I'm watching myself in a movie, but it seems like whatever happened, happened to somebody else.

Unfortunately, as I've begun getting rid of unhealthy coping mechanisms and working through the healing process, I have seen this become increasingly worse,

Or maybe I've just become more self aware of it - I'm really not sure.

All of this could be lumped into the broad category of dissociation. Depersonalization and derealization fall under this category too, along with what are identified as various Dissociative Disorders.

(click on the following link for more information: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/262888)

I figured out a while back that dissociation is what I used to survive my childhood - thus my inability to recall the majority of the first 16 or so years of my life. I can also now see looking back that I dissociated during the acts of being raped, when I was arrested, during multiple forms of sexual abuse and the night my dad unexpectedly died, among others.

The problem with dissociation is that while it served its purpose as a survival tactic in childhood, it keeps us detached from our emotions and oftentimes our identity in adulthood.

What is needed to break away from this is to work with a coach, counselor or therapist to get to the root of the original trauma; someone who can guide you in the practices of learning how to ground yourself, break state and stay rooted in the present, such as BeatAnxiety.Me taught me how to do.

Once you can reconnect with those feelings your protective self is attempting to shield you from, you will see that even though it hurts, becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable is what will help heal you from the trauma instead of continuing to add to it.

Unless you allow yourself to walk through and feel the pain, all you'll continue to do is search for every unhealthy way possible to run from, escape and avoid it at all costs.

That is called coping and coping my friends is NOT healing

Because remember that healing is feeling

And feeling leads us to freedom.

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra