Losing Yourself

By: Debra Brent

I've talked before about the time I spent in the Swinging Lifestyle. I went through alot of abuse, humiliation, embarrassment, etc. while involved in it, definitely is not something I'm proud of and still struggle with to this day.

But there is one aspect I haven't touched on much that I want to discuss:

Nude Pics

Longing to Fit In

Sex is many times used as an unhealthy coping mechanism, especially in those struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It's often stated that when you have sex, especially casual sex, you give a piece of yourself away each time, with each partner. Eventually, you can wind up losing yourself totally - just like I did. 

Yet, it's so incredibly commonplace in this day and age for people to send nude pics (whether full or partially naked) to each other. However, this is a practice (which I'm sorry to tell you) is just another avenue in which to give a piece of yourself away too.

Unfortunately, I did this a lot when I was in the midst of the Lifestyle. Not only did I send pics, but I know for a fact that some I sent off in private were in turn passed along without my consent. At parties, pics and videos were also taken of me without my consent.

It's not a matter of consent, however, when you get down to the point of how much putting yourself in these types of situations can end up traumatizing you....over and over again.

I thought nothing of it back then, but now know the reasons behind those actions and it was not just to "have fun" or "blow off steam".

I was searching for acceptance, to belong, to fit it. I was looking not only to be liked, but to be loved. I was doing what others wanted as a means to an end. The problem with that is even after I quit the Lifestyle and sending pics, I now have to pick up the pieces and deal with the aftermath which has included:

• Regret
• Humiliation
• Embarrassment
• Guilt
• Self-Punishment
• Self-Sabotage
• Flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Intrusive Thoughts
• Hiding
• Worthlessness

....and the list goes on.

The other factor is that when you send off a pic to someone, you have no idea what they are going to do with it. I recently found ON THE INTERNET nude pics of myself which I did not post and am horrified that at some point (if it hasn't happened already), someone I know might find them too.

Don't think that just because they say they'd never show your picture(s) to anyone else means that they actually won't do exactly that, post them or even sell em.

Self-Worth

Behind your actions lies a reason for participating in such acts and that reason is usually tied into what my Mental Health Coach (beatanxiety.me) has coined "self-worth anxiety".

I know you may think it's harmless fun, but the fact of the matter is if you only knew the repercussions that are waiting for you down the road, you'd stop and think twice before doing anything of the sort.

I've lived the majority of my life in confusion, denial and looking for love in all the wrong places, ways and everything in between. And after doing so for 40+ years, I'd give anything to have started the healing process long before I began to add more adult trauma to an already long list of unresolved childhood trauma.

Take it from me,

JUST DON'T EVEN START DOING SHIT LIKE THIS!!

 Because until something major happens or you hit rock bottom, you'll never have any idea just how much you can and WILL lose yourself in the process.

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers, 

Debra