I Hope You Dance

By: Debra Brent

They say curiosity killed the cat.

Well, curiosity seems to be what also kills hope, dreams and self-esteem.

I'm comparing again. And comparing almost always sends me down a slippery slope built out of shame and nothingness. The nothingness is me stopping what I was comparing myself about - in this case, it's writing.

I stumbled across another individual in the same forum as I - and I see her skills as way better than mine. So how do I deal with that?

I quit

I feel like I'm "old news" so to speak.

• When I started submitting poems to a publication online, I was a finalist quite a few times and even placed first and second several months in their poetry contest, then nothing.
• My Tik Tok account took off for awhile, then nothing.
• My blog seemed to get alot of views in the beginning, then tapered off to, you guessed it, nothing.

I felt my writing, no matter the context, was actually helping people.

But now it all just feels like a deep chasm of unrelenting "nothingness".

Feelings Lie

I know feelings lie, but tell that to the knot in the pit of my stomach and each tear welling up behind my eyes.

It's a trigger to a  "certain individual" all over again, each woman I was replaced with in relationships, the lifestyle, school, writing websites, bowling, etc. It's my entire life wrapped up within the chaotic mess of one freakin' word:

Inadequacy

This "certain individual" is the reason I quit pursuing art when I was younger. They swooped in and took over. Where I once felt needed, I now felt replaced.

I wasn't good enough, talented enough or worthy enough anymore.

So, I quit

Those feelings of "second best" are what fuel the shame of "nothingness". I even stopped working on my books, cause what gives me the right to write when "I'm not good enough?"

I began researching other books to get ideas on formatting, length, style, etc. and all it does is bring up that nauseated feeling of "what's the point?"

I know God gave me talent, but in my eyes, it somehow always seems to fall just short.

No matter the outlet, I feel as though the old saying, "Jack of all trades, Master of none" was meant specifically for me.

Inadequacy could be my middle name. Although lately it seems as if it is my one and only.

Rollercoaster of Shame

It's the rollercoaster of shame which I think has not necessarily stopped, but at least paused at its highest peak. That is until one little comparison, memory or feeling sends me reeling over the edge into a tunnel of uncontrollable darkness.

• Shame for comparing

• Shame for wanting to quit

• Shame for feeling jealous/envious

• Shame for not being good enough

• Shame for being me

The "nothingness" fuels the "numbness". Tears well up, but never fall. Nausea permeates my insides, but I push it back down. Masking the pain through the art of dissociating, distraction and avoidance.

It's comparable to waiting at the top of the Demon Drop. You're proud you climbed every stair through your fear, then settle in, give yourself a pat on the back and maybe even feel just a twinge of excitement.

Yet when the proverbial bottom drops out, you freeze in the midst of the panic and fear.. When the free fall finally stops, you vow NEVER in this lifetime will you put yourself in that position again.

The Dance

The thing is, healing and feeling are a constant dance between your head and your heart. One, that at times, will make you dizzy, nauseated and afraid. Time and time again, you do the steps, acting out what you were taught, but never truly could call it "a dance".

That's because you continue to count the steps in your head, but don't feel the beat of the music in your heart.

Cause when you dance, you feel. You don't count. You don't pray about not tripping, falling, being embarrassed or humiliated.

You just feel the lyrics, the rhythm and the song in your heart. No amount of fear, comparing or "nothingness" will keep you from dancing and just being you.

My wish for you my friends, is that no matter the struggle, fear or pain which you feel, I hope you get back up and try again, break down those walls and learn how to feel, ride that rollercoaster again no matter what, but above all else:

"I hope you dance".

Sending you love, hugzz and prayers,

Debra